Twits, tweets and a tweance – it must be Halloween
Waiting for a rap
Spare a thought for those in the next world, as the approach of Halloween makes extra demands on their precious time. Here’s what it might be like:
“Gentlemen,” says the heavenly appointments secretary, “I still have a few vacancies to be filled for 31 October. There’s no special qualifications needed: you only need to make a fleeting appearance at one of the numerous locations that people on earth think are haunted.
“You can go as yourself, or disguised as something more sinister and give them the fright of their lives. It’s up to you. You could even go as an orb.”
Those around her are not convinced, but she silences the voices of dissent with an alternative suggestion.
Real-life ghouls enjoying Halloween
“OK, well you don’t even have to appear. Just change the temperature by a degree or three, or create an electro-magnetic disturbance. That’s all that’s required to make the ghost-hunters and spectators happy. It’s just a bit of fun. Don’t be spoilsports.”
Reluctantly, a small queue forms and she begins giving details of times and locations.
“Oh, I forgot,” she announces, after a minute or two. “The following spirits – Michael Jackson, River Phoenix, Kurt Cobain and William Shakespeare – are not eligible for hauntings, so I’ll need you to gather to one side as you have another appointment.”
“Now what?” says Michael, as he moonwalks to join the others. “It seems that everyone wants to speak to me.”
“You’re needed for a tweance,” says the appointments secretary, joining the group.
“And what’s a tweance?” asks Shakespeare.
“It’s a new way of communicating with the living in as few words as possible,” she explains. “It’s a cross between a twitter and a seance, using mobile phones, which are…”
“Yeah, yeah. We know what mobiles are,” says Kurt. “But who wants to speak to us?”
“Lots of people, apparently, using Jayne Wallace as the go-between.”
“Jayne Wallace?” queries River Phoenix. “I’ve never heard of her.”
“Not a lot of people have,” admits the appointments secretary. “She’s a medium.”
“I don’t care what size she is,” says Shakespeare. “Besides, I’ve never been able to communicate in just a few words.”
“Is this another publicity stunt?” asks Michael. “If so, my management are not going to agree. I’ve been told someone called Derek Acorah is planning to have me on a TV special but I’m not having anything to do with it. I might send Bubbles – I don’t think this man Acorah will know the difference.”
“Sure it’s a publicity stunt,” says Houdini, who happens to be passing. “Ever since I died on Halloween over 80 years ago, there’s been an annual séance to try to make contact with me, but I haven’t co-operated. My advice is not to descend to their level.”
“Gentlemen,” the appointments secretary interrupts. “I know you could be doing better things, but people on earth – well, a few of them – had a poll, and you came top of the list of dead celebrities they’d like to hear from, beating the likes of Elvis Presley, Abraham Lincoln, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe and, well, an endless list of others.”
River Phoenix is the first to respond. “Sorry, but I’m not having anything to do with it. Tell them, if they want to speak with me, I’ll be happy to do so … when they arrive in this world.”
“I totally agree,” says Michael Jackson. “Since I died, I’ve apparently made more personal appearances on earth than I ever did in real life, and I’m not going to do anything to encourage such outrageous claims.”
“I’m with you,” Kurt Cobain agrees. “Besides, what gives them the right to call us up and demand we answer their questions? It’s an unholy intrusion into what has been a very peaceful life, up until now. And if I were to make a comeback, it wouldn’t be on a mobile phone!”
“Well, that’s agreed,” says Shakespeare. “I have no intention of talking to twits…”
“They’re twitterers,” the appointments secretary interjects, “and they communicate with tweets.”
“Whatever,” Shakespeare responds. “To tweet or not to tweet, that is the question. And my answer is an unequivocal ‘No’. I’m not participating in a crass publicity stunt, either. So count me out but you can let Bubbles stand in for me, too.”
The disgruntled group shuffles off, leaving the appointments secretary desperately seeking a solution.
“That gives me an idea,” she says to her assistant after some deliberation. “Not only can we use Bubbles, but I’m sure all four of them have tribute acts or lookalikes who will be more than happy to stand in for them.
“Pass me your mobile phone.”
Bubbles standing in for Shakespeare
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